I'm glad I feel like I matured in the sense that I like watching other artists for inspiration and even former drawings and animation that turned me off now simply makes me wonder "this made me feel bad?" I'm truly enjoying drawing again.

But it's not all pretty. Lately I've been disappointed because I have nothing done in the entire month. Just random sketches that make me wonder why am I even drawing if I'm not enjoying it?

I just want to know how can I find a meaning to my art again. I feel like every second I spend not drawing is wasted time and at the same time I feel like when I'm drawing I'm going nowhere, even when I set goals to myself.

Happy New Year, from my lonely cave in Jiyūgaoka to all the world.

I hope it's a more creative and productive year for me. I hope to find some peace and time to develop my art. I hope I meet someone...

This year made me feel incomplete.

Contact me on private or via Discord if you want to chat.

-Best of wishes, Maz

I've been currently improving a lot with my drawings and getting new and more ideas to draw and practice... issue is I'm stuck between work and family matters and whenever I have spare time I "waste" (I don't like to undermine a good time) it playing games, watching films or singing, I never feel like I have the time to draw (Yeah, you could argue I could use the time I use for playing games and listening to music, which is half an hour tops, in drawing, but I love to take my time drawing and it usuallly leaves me drained) I have the desire to draw, the ideas and the methods but I don't have the time to do it and when I have free time (far and short) I rather spend it in mindless things that at least makes me feel accomplished (singing, playing games)

Is this detrimental to the art process? I still draw praticing, doodle and such but I haven't drawn out my ideas neither on paper or digital, they're just lingering there on my mind and it's making me wonder, am I doing something wrong?

After months of back and forth, depression, "I can't do it" mentality I simply puked my soul into a digital canvas and I made something that maybe some day I'll look back and think "I drew like this? what's the charm?" But for now I wanna rejoice in the feeling of pride and overcoming all my self sabotage, my blocking walls, my ruts. All to do a drawing that might be no more and no less than two girls but it fills me with a love for drawing I haven't felt in years!

Cheers! And I wish everyone a really good end of the year, christmas and a marvelous new year!

For days I've been trying to improve, draw new things, try new styles but these days I just sit on the chair, set everything on the desk and cry endlessly thinking how I just don't enjoy drawing anymore and I can't draw. What's the best way to get rid of this and just draw? Draw like I enjoyed it. I can't even do the basics I used to when I was on a roll.

I'm getting stuck at drawing whenever I'm 20% done, I just wanna quit and start over with another drawing, drawing full bodies, scenes or even basic details wear me out, I feel pointlessly tired and since I'm drawing mostly for myself I wonder what's the point. I get stuck at practice because I feel I'm doing the same over and over and I feel like I never apply what I "learn" there and whenever I'm drawing casually I don't know how to start and when I start I don't know how to continue and if I do know I just don't feel the energy or the reason to do so, even when my drawings look pretty in comparison to my older works I start to look more at their flaws and quit them and start over from scratch or fall again into a longer hiatus. What should I do?

What's the point in making these rants if some guys just won't understand or get hero complex and end up dissappointed whenever I don't do as they say? Can't people understand that quitting art is giving myself time to reflect on myself and that would improve my art? Or that maybe I just don't want to do it anymore? Why do they always have to act like it's their mission to get me back to drawing and if I don't want to then I'm an incromprehensible bitch that deserves nothing or an attention whore?

I was trying to have a nice day until I stumbled upon a YouTube animator "LiteralHat" and again I felt my self confidence, self esteem, feeling of being worthy of making art completely eradicated again by someone who spews my mind better than I do. After destroying pieces of art I've worked on I pondered if destruction isn't in itself an art, therefore, the final art, suicide would be a master piece. But of course it all boiled down to my art being meaningless trash and the "style" or "genre" I'm going for is overdone. I tried other thingsm but I can't. And giving up on art is the same as giving up on life. The only difference is art is more valuable and precious. But I'm unworthy of both. I'll slowly destroy myself instead of continuing my plan to destroy other artists by overcoming their works. I have to aim for what I can reach, and that is self destruction. Slaughter of the soul, destruction of dreams.

Followers list keeps going up while I do nothing, draw nothing and I'm still a boring log. I wonder when will I re-take art as if I actually enjoyed the gruelling isolation of sitting perfecting something someone would notice once and then move on to the next hot thing?

I always tried that my art expressed how I felt, now I see younger artists expressing the same, maybe it's their feelings and not mine, but hey, it would overflow the market with drawings of Sad Girls.

What do I feel now? Defeat, resentment, anger, sadness, mostly at myself for being who I am. Sure life goes on and I have my own life to maintain balanced but I ripped art out of my life like a tumour.... and I miss drawing for fun, now I can't even look at a pen without breaking into a sobbing mess.

Maybe I could direct my anger to God or say the bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were also art to the eggheads that developed them, maybe a pile of corpse in My Lai was art to the jarheads that opened fire, maybe a mass grave was art to the Einsatzkommando in charge. Maybe art doesn't equal good. Maybe art doesn't mean effort or soul. Maybe I'm just rotten and I'll just be left to die.

Recently I've been rearranging my life to mixed results, I was trying to go back to art, I've been drawing more frequently as part of my job but recently I saw this beautiful video and my hopes died down... as if everything I wanted to do, say and portray was already there. I've been locked in my room punching the mirror for days. I dunno if I'll ever be an artist, I know that for sure I won't create anything new or innovative. It seems like my cards are on the table and in someone else's hand at the same time... Art is my biggest enemy again. Or maybe I'm my own enemy and art is an ally that left me behind... as usual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l4TAC-wSPY