After months of back and forth, depression, "I can't do it" mentality I simply puked my soul into a digital canvas and I made something that maybe some day I'll look back and think "I drew like this? what's the charm?" But for now I wanna rejoice in the feeling of pride and overcoming all my self sabotage, my blocking walls, my ruts. All to do a drawing that might be no more and no less than two girls but it fills me with a love for drawing I haven't felt in years!

Cheers! And I wish everyone a really good end of the year, christmas and a marvelous new year!

For days I've been trying to improve, draw new things, try new styles but these days I just sit on the chair, set everything on the desk and cry endlessly thinking how I just don't enjoy drawing anymore and I can't draw. What's the best way to get rid of this and just draw? Draw like I enjoyed it. I can't even do the basics I used to when I was on a roll.

I'm getting stuck at drawing whenever I'm 20% done, I just wanna quit and start over with another drawing, drawing full bodies, scenes or even basic details wear me out, I feel pointlessly tired and since I'm drawing mostly for myself I wonder what's the point. I get stuck at practice because I feel I'm doing the same over and over and I feel like I never apply what I "learn" there and whenever I'm drawing casually I don't know how to start and when I start I don't know how to continue and if I do know I just don't feel the energy or the reason to do so, even when my drawings look pretty in comparison to my older works I start to look more at their flaws and quit them and start over from scratch or fall again into a longer hiatus. What should I do?

What's the point in making these rants if some guys just won't understand or get hero complex and end up dissappointed whenever I don't do as they say? Can't people understand that quitting art is giving myself time to reflect on myself and that would improve my art? Or that maybe I just don't want to do it anymore? Why do they always have to act like it's their mission to get me back to drawing and if I don't want to then I'm an incromprehensible bitch that deserves nothing or an attention whore?

I was trying to have a nice day until I stumbled upon a YouTube animator "LiteralHat" and again I felt my self confidence, self esteem, feeling of being worthy of making art completely eradicated again by someone who spews my mind better than I do. After destroying pieces of art I've worked on I pondered if destruction isn't in itself an art, therefore, the final art, suicide would be a master piece. But of course it all boiled down to my art being meaningless trash and the "style" or "genre" I'm going for is overdone. I tried other thingsm but I can't. And giving up on art is the same as giving up on life. The only difference is art is more valuable and precious. But I'm unworthy of both. I'll slowly destroy myself instead of continuing my plan to destroy other artists by overcoming their works. I have to aim for what I can reach, and that is self destruction. Slaughter of the soul, destruction of dreams.

Followers list keeps going up while I do nothing, draw nothing and I'm still a boring log. I wonder when will I re-take art as if I actually enjoyed the gruelling isolation of sitting perfecting something someone would notice once and then move on to the next hot thing?

I always tried that my art expressed how I felt, now I see younger artists expressing the same, maybe it's their feelings and not mine, but hey, it would overflow the market with drawings of Sad Girls.

What do I feel now? Defeat, resentment, anger, sadness, mostly at myself for being who I am. Sure life goes on and I have my own life to maintain balanced but I ripped art out of my life like a tumour.... and I miss drawing for fun, now I can't even look at a pen without breaking into a sobbing mess.

Maybe I could direct my anger to God or say the bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were also art to the eggheads that developed them, maybe a pile of corpse in My Lai was art to the jarheads that opened fire, maybe a mass grave was art to the Einsatzkommando in charge. Maybe art doesn't equal good. Maybe art doesn't mean effort or soul. Maybe I'm just rotten and I'll just be left to die.

Recently I've been rearranging my life to mixed results, I was trying to go back to art, I've been drawing more frequently as part of my job but recently I saw this beautiful video and my hopes died down... as if everything I wanted to do, say and portray was already there. I've been locked in my room punching the mirror for days. I dunno if I'll ever be an artist, I know that for sure I won't create anything new or innovative. It seems like my cards are on the table and in someone else's hand at the same time... Art is my biggest enemy again. Or maybe I'm my own enemy and art is an ally that left me behind... as usual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l4TAC-wSPY

I know I've been out for months.

I know my quality decreased a lot.

I lost track of followers and frankly, I don't care anymore.

I can't draw anymore. Mentally. I've been stuck with this loop of trying, doing, failing, maybe not failing hard but feeling empty, I don't care, I don't care about myself anymore.

I lost my sole income, my job, I can't provide for my family, the only ones that remain, my friends left me.

I'm thinking about ending it all, some say it's extreme but it's the only route left.

I tried, I can give up and you can mock me or try to stop me or don't care or care.

But I can say I tried at least. At least I tried.

I tried to be better as a person, as a worker, as an artist. I tried. But it was never enough, no, no.

And since life won't favour me none, since everything is so null, so meaningless, so pointless.

Since everything I do is poorly praised or disliked even by me.

Since nothing has any sense of belonging anymore.

I might just quit.

And I'm not talking about taking a break. I can't take a break, everything broke and fell apart in front of me.

It's over.

It's done.

It's my life and it has reached its final conclusion.

That's all.

I'm getting tired of getting a follower but keeping the number even because some random follower leaves without explanation. I'm not against people leaving, but give a reason or at least a signal, dude...