Nothing like making guys cum 💎 💎 💎 💎 and have some drawings as a "thank you~" 😘

Yes, I'm horny 👍

Unsurprisingly I take Xanax. Lots of Xanax. I'm talking about six miligrams per day minimum. They were prescribed to me (and my beloved mother) but she found out I'm taking "way above the regular dose" and I was cut cold on my Xanax doses. I literally can't remember a day I haven't swallowed at least four of those just to get through stress, anxiety and agoraphobia. And now withdrawal is kicking in, paranoia and panic attacks on sight and worst of all? I have to "behave" properly or I'm kicked out of my house in a week.

I am royally fucked. I'm not even a messy junky. I just *need* those pills to not drown in my own anxiety...

Just as I thought the storm would calm down things find a new way to fuck my life.

Long story short last year I befriended (or more like, she befriended me) one of my sister's friends and things didn't end well, she was my best friend but suddenly she snapped at me saying she only befriended me out of pity... Among other hurtful things.

My sister blocked her and kicked her out of her life as far as I knew...

Now I found out she never did so and in fact they've been talking behind my back all this time, my own sister. Using my chats with her as bargaining chips against me. The same girl who told me this "friend" wasn't that good of a friend...

All in all the results are that I'm persona non grata in my own house (the one I pay for lol) my family hates me, they stopped talking to me (until the next beating of course!) and... I'll be forced out of the house and thrown to therapists to see if they can find the "root" of my "evilness"

I still remember when my mother was skeptical about geek cons and cosplay and I talked to her knowing my sister loves it just so my sister could be herself and be happy.

Lesson learned: don't ever do anything for anyone. It WILL backfire and nobody cares about you in the end.

Well, after a year convincing my sister that there's nothing wrong in making friends and enjoying her hobbies she's going out with some this weekend for a birthday party. I gave her some of my old anime memorabilia so she could give her a gift on my behalf (no, I wasn't invited) It ended up in a shitfest because my sister found I had an old Pearl necklace which I remember giving to my mother and she didn't like it, then my brother implying that i was "preying" on my sister's friends. And in the end I got talked down like some sort of weird bitch who steals jewelry, preys on girls (despite already knowing she has a gf herself and... She's not my type?) and is also a sexually repressed pervert lesbian. Yeah, that's what I get for pushing my sister into making friends. Honestly I hope her cosplayer/streamer career goes better than my artistic career because I'm definitely killing myself after literally giving up on a normal life to sustain these guys.

My loser level got to the point I felt envy of my sister becoming a popular streamer and cosplayer with actual friends. I think I realised how stupid is that while looking for my (IRL) friends on my old Facebook and ... They're all successful artist and musicians.... So in the end, I'm just happy that she's happy. I'm happy that she didn't end up like me. Alone, without IRL friends, no hang outs, just... A creep, a weirdo, (what the hell am I doing heeeere ♪)

A few hours ago I came back from a convention on Anime Idols and boy...

It was a big, long hall full of stands with nicely homemade merchandise (even food stands, it's been a while since I see one of these in a geek con) but honestly it didn't took an hour until i felt alone, like i didn't fit in. Granted I went mostly because my sister was doing a Ramuda (HypMic) cosplay and even did an amazing dance at the end but holy shit. Cosplayers build their own posses, cliques and if you're not "them" you're less than a human. I spent most of the event (7hrs total kinda) just walking around trying to look for people to talk to (more than 1k people) and I never felt more alone in my life. It was hard for me to grasp the amount of people there, each and everyone in their own bubbles.

The music was unsurprisingly shit but what really made me go take a furious piss was the microphone quality and the host being a 40 something cosplayers acting like she's 15, grow the fuck up.

I got to meet a fellow artist who was also feeling rather alone (she was there on business) and we talked a while, I tried giving her my phone number and her response was a cold "i have a boyfriend"

I ended up falling asleep on the benches when the whole thing started to shut down.

Now, I know I'm socially awkward and introverted myself, but lately I'm seeing a lot more of an "elitistic" behaviour in cosplayers. My sister quickly made a group of friends and we basically spent separate days in the same place, she had fun, friends and concerts. I had... Well, I realised for the first time in my life that I've nothing unique or useful to myself....

I gotta say, it was a shitfest.

At least I drew a Sad Girl...

Well, tomorrow I have a big event, it centers around "idols" and even anime idols! I honestly don't know what to expect but I'll do my best to keep myself entertained.

Indefinite hiatus, probably cancellation. I can't think of anything to do with Sad Girl that feels original or well done. I've already seen so many pieces doing everything better, faster and much more meaningful than my crappy doodles that it would be impossible for me to go back to drawing goth girl #1337.

I just feel there's nothing attractive about her, nothing meaningful and much less anything unique. She's just there and sadly my ideas for her were already deconstructed. I can't keep up with the crowd.

Given that she was my main focus drawing I highly doubt I'll ever go back. Sad Girl never got where I wanted, never said what I wanted and wasn't seen as I expected.

I went back to get all the endings of Needy Girl Overdose (Needy Streamer Overload for some) and I want to get some things off my chest about this game.

First - bluntly, it's overrated and the fandom is dumb either ignoring the supposed point the game preaches or treating it as the Newer New Testament.

For those who don't know Needy Streamer Overload is a Raising Sim in which you help out your girlfriend Ame-chan in becoming a successful streamer. Ame-chan is mentally a mess (the game's creator said in an interview that most of her behaviour is based on former partners he had diagnosed with BPD, this is important later).

On the game - The game starts off pretty basic and gameplay wise it doesn't reinvent the wheel or even adds up to its own mechanisms. You "take care" of Ame's stats (affection, stress, mental health and followers) by hanging out, posting online and most importantly, streaming.

The thing is simple, and option (example, going out) is highlighted by a "!" Indicating it will give Ame something to talk about in her streams as "KAngel" the persona she adopted to play as an internet angel.... Yeah.

So in the first ten days you have to get about 10k followers to get your channel monetized, easy. Although for each stream, depending on the topic, Ame's stats might drop or rise and you can help her relieve stress playing games together, going out or having sex while her mental status can be regulated by the use of drugs or visits to thr hospital during the day. All in all, pretty simple.

But for those who already know the game I'll gripe about what I ended up disliking.

First it would be the "twist" that the player/manager/boyfriend "P-chan" is an imaginary friend. Not only it seems like a cheap twist but it also renders most of the endings as absurd or nonsensical.

The endings themselves are plenty, varied but they're such a specific chore to unlock you're better off watching them on YouTube because I, personally, didn't feel like fucking up the psyche of a young girl to get a different ending.

Gameplay wise it's also a drag because the game always plays the same, all the streams are the same with the same options and no real change in how the game itself plays out. It's the equivalent of watching a film a dozen times to get a different post credits scene.

Then there's Ame, the main character. She's painfully annoying and the game zig zags between making me feel pity for her and wanting to slap her, shut down her internet and make her plow a field or do something productive with her life. I read everywhere how this game was a perfect representation of what BPD and depression feel like but honestly it just made me cringe, she acts like a bossy, bratty, spoiled and even manipulative bitch that only wants the attention that mommy and daddy never gave her. My biggest complain would be that all the game does is feed her self pity instead of looking for a sane alternative and in the end she's a poor victim of society in the eyes of thr fandom despite being a streamer who preaches about love and shittalks on her private account to her own fans.

The worst part would be that the game I saw compared the most to NSO was Doki Doki Literature Club, while I can see the similarities, DDLC made the effort of making me care for the characters, all of them, and realise in a twisted way that there was no good or bad or better or worse. DDLC was a game, had different options and different outcomes according to said options. NSO feels like a train ride in which you only get a change in the voice announcing the stops. Nothing really makes me care for Ame beyond surface level, P-chan is a self insert but without any weight to the plot, the plot itself is non existent at best and contradictory at worst. Ame wants fame but with fame she loathes the emptiness of a famous lifestyle. The fact that I had more fun telling Ame to kill herself and making her OD on everything I had at hand just goes to show that the game doesn't want to tell anything deep or profound. It's an experiment, a test. And it's kinda scummy that the same level of fun I could have sawing demons in Doom I had it torturing a young woman in a game, but remember how I said the creator based Ame on former partners? Well, maybe it was his way of saying "you can't fix them but fuck me if it's not fun to break them further". Try playing the game on a safe route, making the right choices and the result is a dull stat grinder with a stupid bittersweet ending. Make her drop acid and slice her wrists and now that's a game that sells.

Why did Mew abandon me? Why? After so many years together just why? Why? What have I ever done to be abandoned? And now everyone is abandoning me. But why? Why did he abandon me? I loved him, I supported him, I helped him and now I can't even know where he is. Just why? Why does it hurt so much? Already made myself nine new scars in one arm asking myself why did he leave me... But I still can't imagine an answer... I hope I get an answer once I'm dead or I would have truly led a life unfulfilled.