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Mazooe
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    Stepped in another landmine

    Posted by Mazooe - October 8th, 2024

    Recently I've been rearranging my life to mixed results, I was trying to go back to art, I've been drawing more frequently as part of my job but recently I saw this beautiful video and my hopes died down... as if everything I wanted to do, say and portray was already there. I've been locked in my room punching the mirror for days. I dunno if I'll ever be an artist, I know that for sure I won't create anything new or innovative. It seems like my cards are on the table and in someone else's hand at the same time... Art is my biggest enemy again. Or maybe I'm my own enemy and art is an ally that left me behind... as usual.


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l4TAC-wSPY

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    AlfaFranek

    Right now it's most important come to terms with yourself. I had issues with accepting that I lost friends, where looking back at it was painful. But when I did accept it, I was finally at peace in that regard, finally being able to look forward, instead of being scared whats behind.
    I'm not trying to discourage you from art, but I'm telling you that you should make a decision.

    Mazooe

    I finally accepted my friend's passings and leavings, but this struck such a huge blow to me that I felt anything I would make next to it would be rubbish. (SPOILER: It already is rubbish)

    AlfaFranek

    @Mazooe The jelousity. I know. I get to see many things here on NG that can make me jelous and the feeling of rubbishness always comes with it. I found a way for it, which is doing exercises until its squeezed out with sweat, or at least energy. That's my way to dealing with, not saying yours is exactly same, but for certain everyone has at least one way of dealing with jelousity.

    Mazooe

    It makes me feel weak and angry so I just pop pills and be angry at something else... but the inspiration is still dead

    AlfaFranek

    @Mazooe I didn't said I'm immidiately inspired to work. Hell, I have been procrastinating for 2 months, even tho I haven't felt jelous. It's not about doing 180, but normalizing to a managable level.

    GrapheneKid

    I get where you're coming from. A few months ago I stumbled across a game someone made that was almost exactly like a project I've been working at for years. They had proper funding, and a good development team, and professional marketing and PR, and the exact same idea I thought I was the first to come up with. I was so upset I wanted to quit my project and run away.

    But I eventually realized that they don't speak for me, nor for what I want to make.

    Everything that can ever be said about life has already been said a million times over thousands of years. That doesn't make the things we want to say any less necessary. People want to hear what YOU have to say. So, just make it yours.

    Mazooe

    That's encouraging and true but the problem is in this day and age there's a feeling of "everyone's an artist (except for me)" I mean, sure landscape drawings were the norm back in the days of Rembrandt or van Gogh but each had their own style. No matter what I try I see some dumb girl on youtube having the same already made, already popular, already sucessful and it makes me wonder what am I making and why am I making it? Is it worth it? Do I even like it? Part of getting out of a creative rut is to deceit myself with the lie that I actually have the skill to do at least a basic drawing, but the more I lie to myself the more I realise I'm unworthy and so is my "art"

    It made me feel self hatred and eventually hatred for artists as I see my failure and their success. One could argue it's something historical, as Modigliani and Picasso often beefed with eachother but I'm neither Modigliani nor Picasso. They had quality, everyone does, I'm just stuck in a pit of depression, self hatred and self harm.

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