To anyone who can read this:

Co-Lead of Sad Girl
Amateur artist
The Discord is ".mazooe"
Professional Shy Girl
If I try to get away...
How long until I'm free?
And if I don't come back here...
Will you remember me?

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To anyone who can read this:

Posted by Mazooe - September 13th, 2024

I know I've been out for months.

I know my quality decreased a lot.

I lost track of followers and frankly, I don't care anymore.

I can't draw anymore. Mentally. I've been stuck with this loop of trying, doing, failing, maybe not failing hard but feeling empty, I don't care, I don't care about myself anymore.

I lost my sole income, my job, I can't provide for my family, the only ones that remain, my friends left me.

I'm thinking about ending it all, some say it's extreme but it's the only route left.

I tried, I can give up and you can mock me or try to stop me or don't care or care.

But I can say I tried at least. At least I tried.

I tried to be better as a person, as a worker, as an artist. I tried. But it was never enough, no, no.

And since life won't favour me none, since everything is so null, so meaningless, so pointless.

Since everything I do is poorly praised or disliked even by me.

Since nothing has any sense of belonging anymore.

I might just quit.

And I'm not talking about taking a break. I can't take a break, everything broke and fell apart in front of me.

It's over.

It's done.

It's my life and it has reached its final conclusion.

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Squidster491 2024-09-13 15:06:04

No… please… don’t do this… I care about you. Frankly, most people on this website do too.

Mazooe 2024-09-13 15:06:04

Let's be realistic (and honest) I'm just a whiny wannabe artist with no talent, even my friends left me. I give nothing and leaving I take nothing away from anyone. I know it's selfish, but it would be, for the first time in my life, a choice I would be happy with.

Gekkotsuki 2024-09-13 15:31:49

'...I'm thinking about ending it all. Some say this is extreme, but it's the only route left...'

No. That's not true at all. Suicide is never the 'last' route left. In fact, you should never, ever even classificate it as a 'route to follow', in first place. You can't give up just like that. You must have to keep going with your life, no matter what happens. Try any type of ideas that passes through your mind to not only distract yourself from those thoughts, but also to try to 'bump' yourself out of all this mess; try seeking for a new job to maintain yourself and your family, try to seek for help (as finantial help from the government, or perhaps a therapist for you to try to support you anyhow in this case), try to begin with your career as an artist once again and try to draw for commisions so you can gain some extra money from that... try anything, except this, please. Because seriously, that 'path' which you're currently thinking about choosing isn't going to lead you anywhere. Give life another chance. Stay strong.

I hope that this comment helps you to think 'twice' about it, and also, I wish you luck so everything that has happened to you until now does a '360-degree-flip' and the 'destiny' somehow can give it back to you in form of 'good events' and 'successes' from now own. A strong hug, and much encouragement. You got this.

GrapheneKid 2024-09-13 19:01:57

I don't think it's fair to yourself to internalize all of this. You didn't fail as a person. You're under a significant amount of pressure right now and your life has had a significant change in stability. I've been through job loss as a breadwinner. I've had to deal with people walking out on me. I still wrestle with feeling insufficient as a creative. It sucks and it takes lots of effort to recover from these events and these feelings. It may feel like there's no other option, but there are always other options once you stop and allow yourself to look. There will always be people in your corner. Try to take little steps towards finding a source of income, but give yourself space to process what has happened so you can make decisions in the interest of self preservation.

Mazooe 2024-09-13 19:01:57

Thanks, in a way, I'm still slowly burning over the losses (friends) over the last years. I used to mask my emotions for my family and friend's sake and now that I feel more detached (or alone) I guess it's all plummeting down on me at once. So yeah it'll take time but not only I have to process it, I have to accept that some things I cannot control and I have to move on with what I can do.

Squidster491 2024-09-13 21:20:30

@Mazooe, I’m still your friend though…

Mazooe 2024-09-13 21:20:30

Yeah, you are... Sorry, I fire randomly when my depression kicks in.

Squidster491 2024-09-14 12:06:56

@Mazooe I understand.

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